A Modest Proposal for BP Shareholders

I am here today to offer a modest proposal to the shareholders of British Petroleum.

I'm sure you are aware of the "performance" yesterday of your current Executive Director/CEO Tony Hayward, as he testified before Congress on BP's actions before and since the start of the Oil Gusher in the Gulf of Mexico now 59 days ago.

For the record, I did not watch his performance directly as I tend to avoid watching things that are pretty much guaranteed to make me want to throw a shoe through the telly. I did, however, follow along with the live-blogging at FireDogLake.com (here, here, and here.)

That being said, after following the live-blogging and reading news stories today such as this from the New York Times, I would like to present myself as a candidate for your new ED/CEO.

My qualifications are very similar in many ways to those of Mr Hayward. Like Mr Hayward,

“I had no prior knowledge of the drilling of this well, none whatsoever,” he said.

Like Mr Hayward,

“I’m not stonewalling,” said Mr. Hayward, the 53-year-old Englishman. “I simply wasn’t involved in the decision-making.”

Like Mr Hayward, I can claim to have no knowledge of any of the actions taken by BP leading up to this disaster. However, unlike Mr Hayward, I can make these claims without appearing to be a clueless buffoon.

Unlike Mr Hayward, I can actually feel empathy and show it for those folks on the Gulf Coast who are seeing the destruction of their life-styles and livelihoods. I can understand the need to capture and present actual problems with the use of the dispersants and the affects on workers of breathing toxic air. And I can do so without whining about "wanting my life back."

Unlike Mr Hayward, my work experience has been that it is far better to be upfront with all involved about the problems being faced rather than trying to minimize and down play the problems.

I think that attribute is called honesty here in the US.

Another area where my presence would be beneficial is that I would not be subject to any type of criminal investigations. Bringing me in to replace Mr Hayward though could be seen as a sign that BP and shareholders recognize the need for a complete and thorough housecleaning of all levels of management.

A little research leads me to Forbes Magazine which shows that Mr Hayward received compensation totaling more than 3 Million pounds for 2009. As a good faith gesture, I will work for a salary of $500K per annum with an additional bonus level of another $500k. You'll save money and I will be able to pay my bills! A true "win-win" for both sides.

I would be remiss not to mention the areas where Mr Hayward is a better candidate. Unlike Mr Hayward, I'm not even six feet tall and do not have a full head of hair so may not be the ideal appearing person for televised Congressional hearings. But I think you will agree that after Mr Hayward's performance yesterday, the image thing might not be as important going forward.

So if you feel the need, there's an old time Quality Assurance professional available; guaranteed to be a PITA in the important areas. As a guaranteed PITA, the job WILL be done and done correctly or you can fire my a** after a year, no hard feelings.

And because I can: